Updated: Nov 6, 2022
I remember as a child, my mother would have every spice in her cabinet. She was a great cook and always made something delicious with those secret ingredients she kept in the spice cabinet. There was cinnamon, garlic, and thyme. But there was one spicy spice I was afraid of, dry mustard. This particular container was in a yellow tin and not a glass jar like the others. She would use it in her egg salad, potato salad a tuna. But it wasn't too spicy or overpowering. So why was I afraid of it? It was when she would open that cabinet when she wasn't cooking and I was standing in front of her with tears running down my face. I was caught in a lie. Now before you go calling CPS for something my mom did over 45 years ago, hear me out. She was doing her best with what she had. She thought that having me hold a spoonful of dry mustard in my mouth for what seemed like an hour would keep me from lying to her, again. You see, I had a habit of covering up my wrongdoings, accidents, and mistakes with lies. I was afraid that if the truth came out, I would be punished, I would be rejected, and I wouldn't be loved. So I lied.
The truth was, the lies made things worse. I broke trust and was under her watching eye of my every move. This made me lie even more. I got good at hiding what I was doing. By high school, I became an expert. I had everyone deceived into thinking I was a good girl, shy, and innocent who could never do anything wrong. Well, so they thought. If people ever found out the things I did, they wouldn't believe it. I had everyone fooled, even myself.
I continued this dishonest way of living and it got me to where ever I wanted to go. I just played the part and people accepted me. I told people what they wanted to hear and they believed me. I thought I could get away with anything and lived a life that wasn't mine. With each lie I told, the harder it was to keep up the facade. With each mask I wore, the less confident I was. With each broken promise, the less I trusted myself. I was captured in my own tangled web when what I really wanted was to be free.
It wasn't until recently that I found myself lost, confused, and lied to. Yes, I was believing a lie about what I believed. What I believed about my role as wife and mother. What I believe about my faith. What I believed about myself. I, the master deceiver, was being deceived. I needed to find out the truth. But what was Truth? What makes something true, real, authentic? This is where my journey of self-awareness and authenticity begins. The journey of rediscovering who I really was, what I truly believed, not someone else's beliefs, and how I can live a life that is honest, real, and respectful.
I expect this journey to last the rest of my life. But I want to share the lessons I have learned along the way with others so they can also live a life that is true for them. I want others to be free from fear, shame, and regret. I want others to live their truth and be authentic. I want others not to have to worry about being "found out" and caught in a lie. I want the mustard to stay in the cabinet and be used only in a recipe.
Here are a few signs of a life not aligned with the truth. Finding yourself saying "yes" when you really want to say "no". Committing to things but ending up breaking your promise. Hiding mistakes instead of fessing up. Telling people you have done something when you really haven't. Struggling to trust yourself to make wise decisions.
If you want to live a life that is honest, authentic, and true, let me show you how the Enneagram can help you create self-awareness that will lead you on your journey to rediscovering the true you and find freedom.