Breaking Free from “Good Girl” Rules in Midlife

I grew up knowing exactly what it meant to be a “good girl.” Good meant polite, dependable, uncomplaining, agreeable, and always accommodating. I learned early that my value was tied to how well I fit the expectations set by others. As I read Elise Loehnen’s On Our Best Behavior: The Seven Deadly Sins and the Price Women Pay to Be Good, I realized that these expectations are not just personal or cultural but deeply rooted in the patriarchy.

Loehnen shows how the seven deadly "sins"- pride, greed, lust, envy, gluttony, wrath, and sloth- have historically been used to control women’s behavior. These "sins" have been weaponized to make women feel guilty for expressing ambition, desire, or even self-interest. In other words, the patriarchy has shaped the rules of “goodness” to keep women safe, small, and compliant. Pride became arrogance, ambition became greed, desire became lust, frustration became wrath, and so on. Loehnen makes it clear that these moral rules were never neutral. They were designed to shape women’s lives and limit their power.

Midlife has been a time of reckoning with these lessons. Recently, at a professional retreat, I realized how often I still play by these old rules. When asked to share my accomplishments in my business, my first instinct was to stay quiet, to avoid appearing proud or greedy. Inside, I felt the pull of the patriarchy, warning me not to take up space, not to ask for what I deserve. I watched other women speak up confidently and felt both envy and guilt. That moment made me see how these "sins" are still alive in my life, not as moral failings but as invisible rules we carry from childhood.

Redefining who I am now means refusing to be bound by them. Pride in my accomplishments is no longer arrogance. Ambition is no longer greed. Speaking my truth is no longer wrath. Desire is no longer lust. Rest is no longer sloth. Letting myself enjoy life is no longer gluttony. Midlife has become a time to reclaim power, agency, and authenticity that was conditioned out of us by centuries of patriarchal norms.

That is why I am offering the Beyond the Book Guided Coaching Circle this January. Together, we will explore how the seven deadly sins and patriarchal expectations have shaped our lives. We will examine how these patterns show up in midlife and practice stepping into our full selves with courage and clarity. This is an opportunity to move beyond the rules of “goodness” and start living a life defined by our own values.

Midlife is a second chance. It is the time to stop shrinking and start claiming our voice, our desires, and our power.